Self Differentiation

Self differentiation is a concept I am becoming more deeply acquainted with and I have to say it is not "a comfortable getting to know you", at least not yet. Something I have learned to be true: when I am learning, experiencing, a learning not just in my head, but learning within my being, a new concept, it pops up frequently. Sometimes I do not even see it at each time, yet I see it later and think, "Sigh, there it was again...". I seemingly volunteer for this personal growth, but it does not mean it is easy or comfortable for me.

A short time back, it was brought to my attention I was not yet self differentiated from my ex. Self differentiating from him in the practical ways felt unkind. I saw its wisdom and that it was not unkind, but it felt unkind. It feels less unkind now that I have been doing it a bit. I was also told due to not being self differentiated from him I had no real room for a new love relationship. That one I understood less and suspect the lessons and understanding are still coming.

I tend to be an open person, I believe I am genuine. I do not know how to fake being something. Yes, I do "fake it until I make" it is regards to aspirations I hold for myself when I make movement toward them, but I am so scared and feeling out of my league, I am not pretending. I am being as strong as I can, I am being determined and hopeful and I am knowing from many teachings that I am worthy while also not feeling fully worthy all the way to my marrow. So, I am not one to pretend I am someone I am not. Actually, when I feel that around me, it makes me want to scream and run far away from it. I do not want to be inside it or around it and struggle to be myself and work toward my aspirations in the midst of that. Often, that is the case, though. Is it supposed to be that way? Does it make the worthiness go deeper to my marrow? Does time come I get to also gently have the worthiness go deep into my marrow? I would love some gentility today.

There is another self differentiating that has begun. One for which I did not volunteer, one I have been stubbornly clinging to it working out and being my way. I do not agree with his way, but he is an adult on his own journey with his own lessons. All I can do is feel the pain, feel the peace when it comes, understand myself, know the other concept, "my needs being met" is valid and important even though it is foreign and it will come.