all in a day

I drove to Boston to a conference. Driving into Boston is not my stronger skill and it is anxiety-producing which I do persist thru. I use the GPS. I have not learned yet how to get there, to any part of it. Don't know that I ever will. Not that the anxiety will keep it that way. I also do not need to go often. My life is very full with the demands to where it is I go - work, appts, appts for kids, etc.

I was happy with myself today. My anxiety was less. I made fewer anxious mistakes in following the GPS than I have in the past. My "error" today was in not reading the email fully about the conference to know what parking was in the area, assuming there would be parking garages as I have seen in other areas into which I have driven. I managed to check the email and read further about parking, found parking, had enough money to pay even though I did not prepare with cash, and got to the conference on time.

The conference was interesting. It was enjoyable to be around people of diversity, hear thoughts, see personalities. Why have I been passionate about what I have? Why am I still? Because they have been things near and dear to my own heart in my life experiences. In my passion I did not always know how I may have been hurting others. I do not want to hurt others. Yes, I want to take care of myself even if it is against what another wants, but that is not the same as forcing another to see my way. I came to see my way on my own. My way has evolved with deep thought, depth of experiencing what I have in giving, loving, being the best person I can.

When I wanted a marriage what I wanted it to be, one line of thinking was my tool while I was ready to see one part, but not other parts. Time and hurt eroded that marriage. I see other parts and I am healing, making peace and learning. Now, a biggie is autism. I have a nonverbal, lower functioning son with autism - my own child. That will be a process in advocating, acting, releasing and accepting. I will be loud, strong, cry, give up, get back up all along the way. I want to persist in speaking and walking the walk, but I do not want to get spiteful or cynical.

unmet dependency needs

I "have unmet dependency needs". Somehow I did not feel overwhelming feelings held by my parents to know I am not alone. I remember as a young adult, in my only marriage that was tumultuous, calling home and asking of I could move home. My mother's response was that she had to ask my father. I also remember a time my father came down because the husband and I were fighting and I was experiencing it as though he was truly against me - I had not enough being supported and hos way was to be against what he perceived as the cause of his pain - I went into my father's arms, crying and said, "I love you, Daddy" and his response was "uh huh, I'm not here for my health". He was good to not be against my husband, but he did not know how to be for me. So, the years of that spent in 19+ years with an in-law family with their issues, their needs, my unawareness of my needs and my inability to really meet theirs enough to make them trust, but believe me I gave all I had to try, and my needs not met at all. What I knew I drew to me without an understanding and awareness of what I needed to draw to me. ALL of those years, I was spent, but still alive, and having learned a great deal and I met him and began dating. I ignored subtle signs. I plowed past them, determined he would give me what I need, again, not knowing what that was. He was gentle. He listened. He really listened. I am more intense than he. He became exhausted. I enacted my issues in the relationship. There were good points, really good ones. Once, I felt so loved I cried in our love making and he was present to me and simply held me. It is over and I feel moments of intense fear, loss. I need to figure out what healthy things soothe me. I need to grown in my ability to self-soothe. I need to learn to feel all my emotions and be comfortable in doing so. I am right where I need to be. I have my own inner knowing and the way to it is blocked. I have to remove the blocks. And, there is no where to get so I can slow down. I have not been slow for much in my life. Going slow comes not easy. I am also inclined to think too much when I am not very busy. I can be aware of a feeling, but I need not dwell on it. Rewiring takes time.

Riding the Waves

I think I need to journal some of this out and emailing him is not an option. I learned from reading the book about attachment theory and dating, love relationships. I came to understand he has an avoidant attachment style and I have an anxious attachment style. The number of years we had known each other, acted out from our wounds, learned a little bit, truly cared, tried to feel safe, tried to trust, grew a little bit, but continued to trigger each other ended it.

It has taken reading the book and experiencing the end and how I feel as a result of it that is causing more learning. The whole thing about just gaining brain knowledge is not enough to change - that it is the process of visceral change that leads to change.

I am reading the book on emotional intelligence I owned prior to the attachment book. I began reading it prior to and some of it just wasn't sticking. It is better now. That said, it is brain knowledge. I am at the part I think I need to ride the waves. That is the part of doing exercises in which I take myself to a place of, first moderate, later when that is mastered, intense emotion. No longer than a 30 minute period this is done. One feels the emotion, noting where it is, how it feels, and when it gets too uncomfortable, one is to use sensory calming techniques individually helpful to get back to feeling safer and calmer, then go back to the feelings again - back and forth, no longer than 30 minutes. At the end of 30 minutes, one is not to stay in the feelings - one is to get back with routine - feelings may be there and it is okay to be aware, but to not go fully and deeply there. The book suggests in 1-3 months of daily practice this helps with brain rewiring and one is able to feel raw emotion, to utilize it as the valuable tool it is, to not shut off all emotion, yet not be controlled by the emotion.

I see her tomorrow. We'll talk about that and maybe a few other things I ought to get done first.

Why blog?

I guess reasons for blogging are many. I think a lot ... it has its gifts and yet it has its draw backs. I have been told journaling helps with all the chatter in one's brain. I have no adult in my house with me - it's just me and the kids. So, I get lonely for connection. Something I ponder is will I find connection about something mutually interesting, not just about my kids, what is important to the other person. All the married years were about him, his family, my house. My house and my pets were all that were mine. I enjoyed being with the pets and I enjoyed the house as a canvas for creativity. I created around raising the kids once I had them. When the family was not angry or hurt with anyone and not keeping silent and ostracizing in the anger and hurt because talking it out just was not done, I spent a lot of my time doing small things for the others .... visiting and digging in the garden with someone - his/her garden, framing a picture and wrapping it with a few sprigs of fresh flowers and throughly enjoying delivering it and seeing joy given. I wonder what I will fill my time with when my children are on their own.

Straw Hat

I am going to a town community event sporting a straw hat. I feel weird, shy and childishly happy about the hat. When I was a little girl each Easter brought a dress, Easter hat, little purse and gloves. I have long admired hats. Kate Middleton I am not nor do I live a life anywhere similar to her life. Maybe hats do fit somewhere in my life. Today is the first investigation :)

Self Differentiation

Self differentiation is a concept I am becoming more deeply acquainted with and I have to say it is not "a comfortable getting to know you", at least not yet. Something I have learned to be true: when I am learning, experiencing, a learning not just in my head, but learning within my being, a new concept, it pops up frequently. Sometimes I do not even see it at each time, yet I see it later and think, "Sigh, there it was again...". I seemingly volunteer for this personal growth, but it does not mean it is easy or comfortable for me.

A short time back, it was brought to my attention I was not yet self differentiated from my ex. Self differentiating from him in the practical ways felt unkind. I saw its wisdom and that it was not unkind, but it felt unkind. It feels less unkind now that I have been doing it a bit. I was also told due to not being self differentiated from him I had no real room for a new love relationship. That one I understood less and suspect the lessons and understanding are still coming.

I tend to be an open person, I believe I am genuine. I do not know how to fake being something. Yes, I do "fake it until I make" it is regards to aspirations I hold for myself when I make movement toward them, but I am so scared and feeling out of my league, I am not pretending. I am being as strong as I can, I am being determined and hopeful and I am knowing from many teachings that I am worthy while also not feeling fully worthy all the way to my marrow. So, I am not one to pretend I am someone I am not. Actually, when I feel that around me, it makes me want to scream and run far away from it. I do not want to be inside it or around it and struggle to be myself and work toward my aspirations in the midst of that. Often, that is the case, though. Is it supposed to be that way? Does it make the worthiness go deeper to my marrow? Does time come I get to also gently have the worthiness go deep into my marrow? I would love some gentility today.

There is another self differentiating that has begun. One for which I did not volunteer, one I have been stubbornly clinging to it working out and being my way. I do not agree with his way, but he is an adult on his own journey with his own lessons. All I can do is feel the pain, feel the peace when it comes, understand myself, know the other concept, "my needs being met" is valid and important even though it is foreign and it will come.

Tried to figure out what the baby steps are to do today. Anxiety about what appears to be a large size of something to be done, multipled by having more than one thing to do (have more than one child I am raising) combined with the ignorance that is not bad, just is, because we all do not know everything about everything. We learn about what comes into our lives, what is added to our lives, what we seek and bring into our lives.

Baby step: visit the community college financial aid office. Yes, this college option for a year or two is way cheaper than the other options, yet it is money I do not have and I want to know yesterday how this will be paid for. No answers other than get the letters sent to them I sent to the out-of-state colleges that are no longer in the running. Also, child did sign a form that allows them to talk to me without her when I reference I have that consent.

Looking for lost item step: something I need for another child, have no clue where it is, thought I left it at work and if it was, someone put it aside. I went there, no one was there, but I could tell people are in and out. What I was looking for was not to be found.

Baby step: I need to get the letter finished I want to send along with a parent referral for private cognitive testing for another child to really know if she has a disability, what it is, make it that she would get services even out of our affluent town if we move or find out maybe she is average and it is the curriculum here.

Baby step: made the call to the bank lady that would help me get pre-approved for a mortgage, what size mortgage, if I qualify. This is a step in the exploration

Loving is risk. It is the hardest, most vulnerable risk. Didn't I think I knew that already? I thought so and right now, in the freshness of this new painful awareness, I am not clear on what I thought I knew.
I longed to be loved by my father a certain way, a way he was not able to love me. I suspect it is the way a father can love a daughter, if he is able, that supports the daughter to soar because she knows she is special, smart, lovely, beautiful, strong and capable and worthwhile. As I grew into adulthood I began to feel even more distant from my father. I think he became less comfortable in knowing how to love me in his actions once I hit a certain point in adolescence. That was a pulling away on his part of what was the established norm. Maybe it was going away to college and seeing more of the world that showed me more of what I longed for from him and could not get. I look back and remember times of visiting home as a married woman and leaving with my husband, turning to the window on my side of the car, letting my tears fall silently down my cheeks. Subconsciously I must have sensed then I married a man similar to my father. Men can be incongruent and love their wives differently than they love their mothers and/or daughters. Maybe the neglect is just as harmful as the harsh treatment. I know as an adult I bought a book for my father as a gift. It was a journal. It had questions and spaces to lead him in topics to journal to me. He asked if I thought he was going to use it. Sign #1 there. Yet, I hoped and I spoke that hope out loud to him in response to his question. I told him I hoped he would and that I would have the opportunity to get to know him, truly know him, after his death. When my father did pass away from the cancer and I made the many hours long drive home to view him one of the urgent things I did at the house was to search everywhere for that book. I did not find it. I asked my mother and my brother about it. Neither knew anything about it. THAT spoke to me. And, yet, I still have lessons to learn about the men I love, what they cannot give to me and the hope I continue to hold. How terrified will I be when a man comes into my life and wants to stay in my life that can love me like that and its being different is scary and threatening? How patient will he be?

New Blog

I am beginning a new blog. A blog in which I may write and which others can read, if any choose to do so, and I can remain identified so I can write more deeply about what it will be I reflect upon and think as a result of what I see, the people with whom I interact, the things to which I attend to in my life. In sharing all these things I will alter names so as to keep it all identified, but the content will be what it is.